An Exclusive Interview with "Whiteness," Senior Adviser to the Tea Party GOP and Governor Rick Perry

The We Are Respectable Negroes News Network (WARNNN) has scored another coup. A month ago we were contacted by the Simi Valley Hospital for Mental Health. They conveyed that one of their patients, Whiteness, was very eager to speak with us. At first we were understandably suspicious. Such an interview was too good to be true. Apparently, Whiteness had read WARNNN's careful and fair interview with Racism and felt that this was the time to come out of the proverbial shadows and share his life experience and thoughts about politics, race, and culture in the Age of Obama with our readers. Since those initial contacts, the staff of WARNNN has been in constant communication with the staff of the Simi Valley Hospital for Mental Health in preparation for this interview.

We have been warned that Whiteness is a smart and quite compelling personality. However, Whiteness is also prone to gross narcissism, suffers from multiple personality disorder, megalomania, is prone to violent impulses, and has a type of psychological myopia that manifests itself through physical symptoms. Consequently, several nurses and doctors will be outside of the room for the duration of the interview should we need assistance. Because he is medicated, Whiteness will not be restrained.

WARNNN's interviewer was cautioned to be ever vigilant of the potential for Whiteness to act out and become violent. Whiteness is apparently the heir to a long lineage of sociopaths and has become extremely agitated ever since the election of Barack Obama.

Waivers have been signed. We are to proceed at our own risk.

WARNNN: How are you Whiteness? We have wanted to chat with you for a long time. We appreciate your agreeing to this interview.

Whiteness: No problem at all. I have wanted to share and talk with all of you for many, many years. My family and I have tried to talk to folks. But, we are so misunderstood. I appreciate your speaking with me.

WARNNN: How are you feeling? We understand that you have been here for a few years ever since the election of President Obama. How are your spirits? Are you getting by okay?

Whiteness: Things are hard. I am a patriot and I love America so very, very much. But, the economy is doing so badly and I have so many of my people out of work. I am scared, frightened, and really upset. Something is wrong and it needs to be fixed.

WARNNN: I hear you. We have so much in common as Americans. In the black and Latino community for example the unemployment rate is almost 20 percent whereas for white folks it is about 10 percent. That is so bad...

Whiteness: That isn't the issue. Those people are always out of work. America is in a national crisis. Americans, hard working real Americans are struggling out there. This is unacceptable. The system is broken.

WARNNN: I don't mean to be impolitic but I must ask a question.

Whiteness: About me being in this hospital?

WARNNN: Yes. Exactly. How did this happen? What brought you here? In our pre-interview you seemed pretty stable and normal? What happened?

Whiteness: I come from a family with a long history of mental health issues. Our disease is passed down from parent to child. The sickness is funny because there is no predicting when it will manifest. One of my relatives back in the 1600s lived to be more than one hundred years old. Can you believe that? His son lived another hundred or so years. Then low and behold my dad, he died right at the end of the 1960s. Dropped dead. He went mad and just lost it.

I was born on the day he died. I always had issues, you know upset about some stuff, but I was high functioning and making it more or less okay. Then Obama got made President and I snapped. Luckily, some folks close to me got me some help and put me here. But, through the Internet and my cell phone I have been able to keep chatting with folks, making a living, and feeling useful. I feel more or less okay. Yet sometimes, I just am out of it. So upset at everything. I am very grateful for the help I get in the hospital and the meds I receive. But between you and me, in here I don't like those pills and have been cutting back on them.

WARNNN: Is that wise? Are you sure that is a good thing to be doing?

Whiteness: Come closer if you would. Please. I don't see very well. My peripheral vision is a bit shot, and I can really only see things close to me. I want to whisper something in your ear so they can't hear it.

WARNNN. Okay. What is it?

Whiteness: It isn't that I don't like Obama because of his color. I don't see color. I am a conservative. I love the Constitution. Obama's policies are anti-American. He hates this country and wants to destroy it. I am a patriot. I want to save this country. Get it? And you know what? He is half-white. Why doesn't he claim that too!

WARNNN: Well, he self identifies as a black man.

Whiteness: What's your point. He is half-white. I said so. You can't tell me what he is. That is reverse racism! Obama hates white people!

WARNNN: So the fact that the President is a black man has nothing to do with why you, Whiteness, are upset?

Whiteness: Not a damn thing. Nothing at all.

WARNNN: That is so refreshing to hear. Tell me about your family if you would. What of your history? How long were you all in the United States?

Whiteness: I haven't been here long. We are immigrants and came through Ellis Island. My other relatives came with the pilgrims. We never owned slaves. My family fought for the Union against slavery and we never had anything to do with it!

WARNNN: Please calm down. I am confused. This is something I hear alot of. So none of your family was here for the majority of the country's history? And you had nothing to do with slavery? But, you were here at the founding?

Whiteness: Absolutely. The framers were geniuses!

WARNNN: I am confused. Which is it? I mean, when I hear White folks talk about American history no one was ever here when bad things happened. And no one is ever responsible for any of this country's ill deeds? And....

Whiteness: Shut up! I am good. I have value! I don't know why you people are so hard on me. I want to do the right thing and I am always criticized! It isn't fair. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

WARNNN: Okay. Please calm down. I appreciate your honesty. Let's take a step back for a moment.

Whiteness: I would like that. I would like that a great deal, you are so kind.

WARNNN: Please tell me about your relationships, family, friends, other folks.

Whiteness. I am not close to my immediate family. They call them in here to "moderate" my behavior when I "act out." My brother and sister Liberalism and Feminism can be such jerks. Always trying to correct me and make me act the way they think that I should! They are so self-righteous. They have many of the problems I do. But, they will never admit it! They can go right to hell, sanctimonious bastards they are. My cousin Race Traitor is so quiet and smug, always trying to do the right thing. I hate him for it!

WARNNN: What about love and intimacy?

Whiteness: I love black women. I really do. I like Latinas and Asians too. Oh the contrast of the skin, you know how they move, my God! I feel so alive when I am with them. So very real and alive! Have you ever eaten their food or danced with them! Damn. You don't know what you are missing. They have such an amazing culture!

WARNNN: I get you. I understand. Moving on.

Whiteness: Did you know my babysitter as a child was a Latina? My mom's Auntie was a black woman. We loved them so much. Those women loved us more than their own children. Do you know how blessed that makes a person feel! Do you have any idea? The whole world revolving around you and everyone there to love you!

WARNNN: Wow. Share more please.

Whiteness: Mental illness runs in our family. We have had a few doctors that were black people. But they were very impatient and told us things we didn't want to hear. Now I have a black friend who I talk to about things. He is so nice and supportive. Quite validating and kind. But, my psychologist is a White guy. We can be honest with each other. I get upset at times, but I feel like we "get" each other. You know what I mean?

WARNNN: Very much so.

Whiteness: You want to know what really upsets me. I am so inclusive. Me and my family are always inviting new people to join us. We hand down our goodies to whoever is our friend. I get no love for that! It isn't fair. My family has let in so many people over time. Again, no credit. We are not bigots! Some of our best friends are black people, good blacks, you know what I mean?

I feel so put upon sometimes. It is so hard, so very hard being me. Those good minorities help me feel okay, but my life is so unfair and hard. I hurt sometimes. Deep in my heart. I just want to do right and people won't let me.

WARNNN: Why is that? Why do you feel that you are treated badly?

Whiteness: I am oppressed. I try to do the right thing but can never get ahead. I am kind and good. You people always make things worse. If you would just let things go away we would all get ahead. All you do is play the race card and cause trouble. We are all past that racism stuff in America! When was the last time you ever saw the KKK? Never! Not once! When were you a slave! Tell me! When! Stop complaining!

WARNNN: I get you.

Whiteness: Can I show you a magic trick?

WARNNN: Sure you can. I love magic.

Whiteness: I am going to cover my eyes with my hands and then disappear. One, two, three, and poof! I am gone!

WARNNN: I see you.

Whiteness: No you can't.

WARNNN: I do. You are sitting right in front of me.

Whiteness: You people always find a way to see me. Not fair. Not fair. Play nice!

WARNNN: Earlier you said that the election of President Obama was hard on you. Can you please explain?

Whiteness: Of course. First of all he hates white people. Then he gets made President. I can't even get a job now because of him. All I want to do is work. But, Obama hates hard working white people like me and takes away our opportunities with reverse racism and affirmative action. He even has thugs like the New Black Panther Party and this group called Acorn beating up white people. Obama is also in favor of reparations! I never owned slaves! Not fair.

I feel so low and oppressed. This whole country is wrong. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. didn't die so that I could be treated this way. Have you ever heard the "I have a Dream Speech?" What a great Republican King was. He died so that all of us could be free. Do you have any idea what it feels like to be judged based on the color of your skin?

I am White. Right now, everything I do, absolutely everything, causes me to be oppressed because of my color. Dr. King would be so upset by that injustice! He died for me!

WARNNN: I always like to ask folks who I interview about popular culture. What are you reading, watching, listening to at the moment?

Whiteness: I love Fox News. I am reading good books by Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, Newt Gingrich, Michelle Maulkin, David Barton, Jonah Goldberg, Thomas Sowell, and other smart people. I really liked the movie The Help. The Blindside is a favorite too. On my all time movie list would have to be Mississippi Burning and Driving Miss Daisy. Precious was also great. I used to really like Mad Men. But once the third season started up it was not too pleasant. The classics are great as well--Leave it to Beaver; The Andy Griffith Show; Diff'rnt Strokes; Good Times; Webster; and Friends are really satisfying to me. I liked some of the episodes of The Cosby Show. Not all. But some.

WARNNN: I always end my interviews by asking folks to teach me about something I don't know.

Whiteness: You always talk about this thing you call the White Soul.

WARNNN: You do read what I write. Yes, that is a very important concept in the literature on white racial identity and Jim Crow. What are your thoughts on it?

Whiteness. You are so mistaken. I don't have a soul. I never have.

WARNNN: Honest. Profound. Thank you. I do hope we can speak again.

Whiteness: I do hope so as well.